Real Estate Euphemisms Finally Decoded

The real estate business has its own language. I was not aware of this when Jeff and I set out on our quest to find the perfect home. In an attempt to spare my readers (all 7 of them) some grief and confusion should they decide to buy a house, here are a few of the real estate euphemisms I have decoded thus far:

1. sparkling pool = nasty green hole in the ground
2. cute/quaint/cozy = hobbit sized
3. has tons of potential = needs everything replaced but the foundation
4. short sale = long drawn out process
5. foreclosure = smells like death
6. mature landscaping = bring along your industrial weed whacker
7. recently remodeled = someone has fixed something since 1985
8. full of character = green linoleum, shag carpet and 1970s paisley wallpaper
9. up and coming neighborhood = ghetto
10. bank owned = dead landscaping, broken windows
11. new paint and carpet = previously occupied by a smoker with fifteen cats
12. custom/unique = bizarre (ie: a toilet in the kitchen or floor plan designed by Dr. Seuss)
13. 1/2 bath = a closet with a toilet in it
14. easy access = backs up to a freeway
15. galley kitchen = a hallway lined in cabinets
16. single owner home = grandma died here
17. low maintenance landscaping = concrete
18. close to = you can see it from your bedroom window
19. charming = so adorable, you wont even notice the crack in the foundation
20. well maintained = nothing has been updated

I'm sure there are more that I have yet to learn. Feel free to add to my list!