Life in a Brighthouse: Moving out of the Dark Ages

In the past we had always taken pride in our lack of technology. We rarely watched our 400lb TV, and when television went digital, we just stopped watching all together. Unfortunately, when we were moving, Jeff "accidentally" dropped our beast of a TV and we finally felt justified in replacing it. We also got cable.

All my life, I've never had cable. I can't believe that I have lived my life up until now without the food network! I don't remember what I used to do on Sunday nights before they became completely devoted to Iron Chef America, Chopped, and Worst Cooks in America. I can't imagine an evening without Jeff standing behind me in the kitchen commentating while I cook dinner.

Cable has changed my life! I can't believe how much time I used to waste exercising and socializing. All that time, I could have been watching Star Trek reruns or catching up on Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. (On a sidenote, isn't Sully awesome? I love him!)

I feel so enlightened. Before cable, I never knew how a curling stone is made, that a dead pig can be substituted for a human body in most experiments, that a Toyota Hilux truck is indestructible, that Vulcans die from emotional breakdowns, or that Haricot Vert is just a fancy French term for green beans.

Thank you, Brighthouse Networks! I don't know how I ever lived without you!

I Love Lamp

A couple of weeks ago, while playing "Would You Rather" with some friends, I drew a challenge card that said this: "For sixty seconds, explain how electricity works". I then proceeded to explain my fifth grade science fair project for which I tested the conductivity of various materials. In short - Pennies and paper clips conduct electricity. Plastic spoons and Fruit Loops do not. This is the extent of my knowledge on the subject.

Yesterday at a yard sale I bought three old lamps from a little old lady. They were beautiful... to me. I could see the potential. All Jeff could see were the frayed fifty-year-old wires and dusty cobwebs. "I'll clean them off and rewire them" I assure him as I handed the lady my ten dollar bill.

"Becky", Jeff said, "remember game night?"

"Yeah, so?"

"You're not rewiring anything. You can't even reset the breaker when the electricity goes out."

"Uh, Babe. That's why God created Google. Duh!"

Then I proudly carried my newly-acquired loot to the car.

Fast forward to this afternoon at Home Depot in the lighting section. I'm standing in front of a huge wall of wires and starting to panic.

Kevin the Irish/Scottish sales guy: Can I help you with something, Lass?

Me: Yes, I have these really old outdoor hanging lamps that I need to rewire.

Kevin: What parts would you be lookin fer then?

Me: I think I need a bulb holder screw in thing, a cord, a plug-in thingy, and whatever makes them all stay together and not explode.

Bless his heart. Kevin managed to figure out exactly what I needed, and he even gave me a quick tutorial. I left Home Depot, light kits in hand, confident and ready for an evening of fun with electricity.

It was actually much easier than I thought it would be. I wrapped wires around around a few screws and ran some cords through some holes just like Kevin had shown me, and presto, instant garden ambiance. Check it out.

I'm so proud of myself, but I have to admit that I still have absolutely no idea how electricity works.