TBN "Truely Bizarre Network"

Back to blogging after a brief hiatus. Not long ago, Jeff and I randomly paid a visit to the TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network) Studios in Costa Mesa, CA. At first we just drove by and couldn't help but notice the elaborate, stately building nestled between the South Coast Plaza and the 405 freeway. "Hey, its open to the public, babe. Let's go!" insisted my incredibly hot husband. Who could say no to such a beautiful man? And besides, I was a little curious myself. What kind of things did they sell in the "Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh Gift Shop"? We had to find out.




We were greeted just inside the gate by Jesus, who also starred as King Lionidas in the movie "300".



"Tonight! We dine in Hell!"



We walked around the gardens.





Anyone else feel like all the nativity characters should be holding wads of cash and winking?



Then we went into the building, which put the white marble columns and sparkling fountains in the garden to shame.


Please note Willy Wonka's great glass elevator

Apparently if you make it past Warrior Jesus at the gate, you then have to face the giant marble angel assassin in the foyer. Yikes! How many orphans had to starve so they could install that little beauty? Honestly, I don't know if I was more frightened by the menacing statues or the Sandi Patty album they were playing when we walked in.




Jesus' living room?






Jesus' gold plated piano?





Finally, a Jesus who doesn't want to kill me!




Unfortunately, Paul and Jan Crouch were nowhere to be seen. We were genuinely dissappointed. I was hoping for some fashion/makeup advice.

Jim Henson's inspiration for Miss Piggy?

Oh well. Maybe next time.

Poor Jesus. I'm pretty sure this wasn't what he had in mind when he came to Earth and died. It was highly entertaining though. If you're ever in Orange County, you should stop and check it out. I leave you now with one of my favorite youtube parodies. Enjoy!

Ode to Mom - Better Late Than Never

Meant to post this on Mother's day, but things sort of got away from me.

Ways my mother tortured me as a kid, and the reasons I'm so thankful:

1. She insisted on correcting my grammar.

Me: Mom, can I have some ice cream?

Mom: I don't know, can you?

Me: Where's the ice cream at?

Mom: Rebekah, don't end your sentence with a preposition. It's unbecoming. Now, what did you need?

Me: I've forgot.

She also insisted on using vocabulary generally reserved for for SAT testing in everyday life. My sister and I were never "grounded", we were put on "restriction" or"temporary privilege suspension". Nothing was ever "pretty" or "good". Things were always "resplendent", "exceptional", or "prepossessing".

In my cretinous state of adolescence, I tended to take umbrage at my mother's attempts to instill in me a firm grasp of the English language. I found her magniloquence pretentious.(Thank you Thesaurus.com) I did not understand at that time that she was doing in my daily home life what most schools in this state fail to do in 12 years: instilling in me the ability to communicate with anyone on any level.

As the great Ludwig Wittgenstien said (according to Google), "The limits of my language are the limits of my mind. All I know is what I can communicate and comprehend."

2. My mother made me clean, cook, sew, and garden.

I resented and resisted it for the most part. The cooking and gardening I didn't mind so much, but I couldn't help feeling that I was being groomed to become the perfect 1950s housewife.

At age 17, the day of reckoning came. I moved out of the house and into my first college dorm. My freshman year at college I was surrounded by girls who had never lifted a finger in their lives, so I took advantage of them. I cleaned their rooms, and did their laundry for cash. Thanks, Mom!

3. She didn't let me have a boyfriend until I was 16.

She should have made me wait til I was 20.

4. She never spoiled me with the latest trends.

I can remember wanting the name brand clothes as a kid (BUM Equipment, Stussy, L.E.I.). That stuff was pretty expensive and my mom didn't believe in wasting money for the sake of my vanity. I also really wanted Nintendo and cable TV. Everyone else had that stuff! I felt so deprived. Mom always encouraged me to look inward to find my self-worth.

"Why would you want to waste your mind on video games or television?, she would ask. "Do you want to go to the library?"

I learned pretty quickly that if I wasn't ever going to have the things I needed to be truly "Cool", I would have to establish myself in other ways.

Please note the extremely uncool flowered turtleneck.

In 5th grade I decided to learn to play the tuba. I wrote poetry. I painted. I read. I embraced my general lack of coolness. Jeff is the same way, and I think that's one of the things I love most about him. He has never been concerned about having the latest and the greatest things. He needs very little to be happy. Even as adults, we take pride in our ability to revel in lameness. We don't have IPods, Wiis, new furniture, or cool cars, but we have a ton of fun together. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I can honestly say that in retrospect, I consider it a blessing to have been raised counterculturally, and I certainly feel better off for it. Mom, you did a great job! I hope that one day I can be half the mother you have been. Happy Mother's Day!

Why is She Rolling Her Eyes...Again!?!

Ain't No Gangsta Gonna Put My Dog on Blast

I was working in my garden this afternoon, and some kids walked through the alley by my yard. (Here in the ghetto, we have chain link fences, so we have a lovely view of the alley. nice, huh?) One of the boys had on no shirt and pants that sagged a good 18 inches below his waist. He was wearing yellow boxers, and had a matching yellow bandanna tied around his head. I stifled my laughter (for fear of getting shanked), but what I really wanted was to tell the kid to wait while I got my camera.

My dog, Lucy, was barking at him hysterically through the fence. I know it's ironic, but I think my black lab is racist. She always goes nuts around black people. Anyways, this kid with his booty hanging out is like "Hey lady, call off your dog!", and I'm thinking "You look like exactly the kind of hooligan I would want her to bark at. Pull up your pants and buy a shirt, Coolio."

I just called a kid a hooligan. Am I old?

Liberty! Li-Ber-Ty!

Okay, so the Oscars were great. The dresses were fantastic, especially Cameron Diaz's. Doogie Houser sang. Ben Stiller made an appearance as a low-budget Avatar. James Cameron's ex-wife stuck it to him by winning best director and best picture (among other awards) for "The Hurt Locker". Go Kathryn! And all of these great moments were overwhelmingly dwarfed by one little commercial. Props to you, Whoopie. Your career has finally come full circle. I laughed so hard, I might have "spritzed" a little. Enjoy!

Welcome to the Magic Kingdom

We're heading down south today (after we go bowling, eat at John's Incredible Pizza, and visit the Bugseum at Insect Lore in Shafter).

I'll be spending the next three days in sunny Anaheim, CA with Jeff's parents, aunt and uncle, sister and brother-in-law, and niece and nephew. For those of you keeping score, that's an adult to child ratio of 4:1. In honor of our yearly trip to the Disneyland and California Adventure theme parks, I thought we should look back on the highlights from the past few years.

• Two years ago we were all in the elevator at the hotel headed to Disneyland for the day. My mother-in-law, Martha, asked my nephew, "Where are we going, Jason?" "Down."

• When Jason was first learning to read, he read us all the sign posted at the entrance to Disneyland. "Disneyland Whores... Open from nine to midnight" That certainly paints the Disney princesses in a new light.

• Last year Jeff and his brother-in law, Jon learned the awkward truth that when riding the Matterhorn, the only seating options are: straddle or be straddled. Both of them are really eager to ride it again this year.

• Two years ago, no one could figure out why Jason didn't want to go to Star Wars Jedi training. It seemed right up his alley. It took us all day to uncover that the poor kid knew that he would have to "fight" Darth Vader, and he was afraid he would die!

• We were taking the kids to the Star Wars show once, and our brother-in-law, Jon, had on these goofy looking sunglasses. His wife had hounded him all day to take them off and throw them away, but the sunglasses never came off until Darth Vader came out. Apparently Jon didn't want Darth Vader to think he was a nerd! Too late, Jon. Sorry.

• My father-in-law, Gary, told my then five-year-old niece, Josie, that he would buy her something at the princess store in Disneyland. When she entered the shop, she was so overwhelmed with all the toys and costumes that all she could say was, "I need...I need...I need..."

Well, we're hoping for plenty more memorable moments this year.

I'll leave you with a knock-knock joke compliments of my ten-year old nephew, Jason.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Little old lady

Little old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel!